Not all fruits are created equal—some will keep you young and sexy forever, and others… well, they’re basically fruity sugar bombs in disguise. Let’s face it, we’re not just lifting weights and counting macros to look good in Speedos (okay, maybe we are)—but longevity is the real flex. As a bodybuilding coach and sports nutritionist, I always tell my clients: eat like you’re sculpting your best self from the inside out.

Top 5 Fruits for Longevity (and the Bottom 5 That Might Be Holding You Back) – by Maxwell Alexander, Certified Bodybuilding & Sports Nutrition Coach

So, grab your green juice, your finest mesh crop top, and let’s get into the fruity tea—which fruits are helping you stay fabulous at 80, and which are low-key aging you faster than a toxic situationship?

// Top 5 Fruits for Longevity

1. Blueberries – The Botox of Berries

Tiny but mighty, blueberries are packed with antioxidants called anthocyanins, which reduce inflammation, boost memory, and literally slow aging at the cellular level. These are the queens of the fruit world—small, potent, and completely unbothered. A small bowl of blueberries each day is all you need to keep your brain sharp and your glow strong.

2. Pomegranates – The Forbidden Fruit (But Make It Sexy)

Loaded with punicalagins (try saying that three times fast), pomegranates are a libido-boosting, heart-healthy powerhouse. They’re basically the Versace of fruit: luxurious, complex, and worth the mess. A handful of pomegranate seeds or a cup of 100% juice is ideal for boosting cellular energy and longevity. I love using pomegranate juice (with no added sugar) in my mixology creations—it adds a deep, tart flavor and a gorgeous ruby glow.

3. Avocados – Yes, They’re Fruit. And Yes, They’re Iconic.

Creamy, dreamy, and full of healthy fats that make your skin glow like you’ve been kissed by a ring light. They help absorb fat-soluble vitamins and keep your cholesterol in check. Avocados are your ride-or-die. Half an avocado a day is the perfect amount to support nutrient absorption and heart health without going overboard.

4. Papaya – Gut Health’s Favorite Bottom

Packed with papain enzymes and vitamin C, papayas help with digestion, reduce inflammation, and keep your skin radiant. Think of it as a tropical spa day… for your insides. A few slices of papaya several times a week is plenty to keep your gut happy and your glow-up on track.

5. Apples – Hudson Valley Favorites

They may not be the trendiest, but apples are full of fiber (hello, pectin!) and antioxidants like quercetin. They support your microbiome, help regulate blood sugar, and they’re perfect for those who like to keep it simple and smooth. One apple a day—peel and all—really does help keep the doctor away.

// Bottom 5 Fruits (AKA The Ones That Flop in the Longevity Department)

1. Bananas – The One-Night Stand of Fruits
Great for pre-workout energy, but high in sugar and low in fiber. Bananas give you a quick high and then leave you crashing. Still cute, just not a long-term partner in your anti-aging journey.

2. Grapes – Tiny Sugar Balls with a Resveratrol Complex
Sure, they’ve got a little antioxidant cred, but they’re mostly just nature’s candy. And don’t even get me started on raisins. Unless you’re aging wine, maybe skip.

3. Pineapple – Spiky Queen, Sweet Disaster
Delicious, tropical, and totally Instagrammable. But she’s high on the glycemic index and won’t help your blood sugar balance. Best enjoyed in moderation and paired with protein or fat.

4. Watermelon – All Vibes, No Substance
She’s 90% water and 10% sugar with not much else. Yes, she’s refreshing, but she’s not giving longevity. Still, we stan a summer picnic queen.

5. Cherries (Especially Processed Ones) – Drama in a Jar
Fresh cherries? Fine. But maraschino or canned? A bright red siren of sugar overload. These are less fruit and more cosplay.

// Final Word from Your Gay Fruit Guru

So, next time you’re blending up a smoothie or planning your meal prep like the fabulous, self-loving wellness icon you are, go for the fruits that support your glow-up from the inside out. Longevity isn’t about deprivation—it’s about choosing wisely, staying curious, and celebrating your juicy self every step of the way.

Happy fruity travels, my dears—and remember: blueberries over bananas, always.